


They say Home is the place where your heart is

by EvancexLizzie



Series: Yet behind everything that I do, I just want to come Home and lay down beside you [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Caring, Established Relationship, Fluff, M/M, Oikawa is depressed, Post-Time Skip
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-12
Updated: 2020-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:54:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,814
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23118052
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EvancexLizzie/pseuds/EvancexLizzie
Summary: "It’s not about love, but it’s about being worthy of it. And Oikawa doesn’t feel worthy of the love Ushijima bears towards him. "Oikawa gets back to Ushijima after a match in Argentine, and for him, it's getting back home.
Relationships: Oikawa Tooru/Ushijima Wakatoshi
Series: Yet behind everything that I do, I just want to come Home and lay down beside you [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1661728
Comments: 18
Kudos: 201





	They say Home is the place where your heart is

**Author's Note:**

> Welp i wrote this for my birthday and this is it.
> 
> Ushioi is my most favored pairing, writing and reading abt them feels like being home.

Oikawa comes home, exhausted and depressed.

It’s the usual, he thinks, slowly climbing the stairs that lead to their apartment in Tokyo.

The game was tiring. The flight was exhausting. It’s hard, working and training at the other side of the world, and coming  _ home  _ as frequently as possible.

But what’s home, he wonders, slightly regretting to have been as stubborn as to not take the elevator for once. Damn Ushijima and his wish to have a balcony for his plants, meaning they could only rent an apartment on the 8th floor. Damn Ushijima and the first time they moved him when he said that taking the stairs would be better for their sportive performances.

Damn Oikawa for always listening to him.

But isn’t it usually the contrary? Isn’t Ushijima always the one ready to make the sacrifices so that his Tooru can live the life he’s always dreamed of?

Tooru is so selfish and self-centered. He knows it better than anyone.

He doesn’t like to cook, so Ushijima is the one preparing their meals for the week. But the setter is picky about food, so they always end up eating the same thing, and it’s often tasteless but Ushijima never complains.

He doesn’t like to be cold, so Ushijima always puts the heater hours before he comes back to their apartment. But the wing spiker radiates warmth, so he ends up living shirtless for most of the time. Still, he never complains about it.

He didn’t like to play in the Japanese volleyball league, so Ushijima just encouraged him to join a team on another continent. But he knows how much Ushijima wanted to spike his tosses and how much he wanted them to live together. Still, he never held back the Oikawa and even helped him get into the Argentine Volleyball Federation.

He doesn’t like to be away from Ushijima and often texts him saying how much he misses him, yet Ushijima never answers him that Tooru is the one who chose this life and that he should have been aware of that months ago. No, he just answers a sweet, simple “ _ I miss you too, Tooru. _ ”, which makes Oikawa’s heart clench with tenderness and misery because he knows. He knows just how much Ushijima misses him and still always waits for Oikawa to say it first.

Oikawa slightly shakes his head in self-depreciation, a cheerless smile on his lips. He recalls how angry and pained and broken he was the first time it happened, thinking that Ushijima didn’t miss him, that on the contrary, he was delighted that the setter was away so he could finally be at peace.

_ “You never text me that you miss me!! You never text me that you love me!!” He’s heartbroken and exhausted and frightened. Frightened of what it could mean. “Are you tired of me?! It’s okay Ushiwaka, you can just break up with me if you want to!”  _

_ He understands. He would break up with himself if he had the opportunity. _

_ “Tooru, I do not wish to break up with you.” People that didn’t know Ushijima always thought he has the same stern, flat tone. Yet Oikawa could sense the seriousness and the worry. “Of course I miss you. But I wish the best for you and do not wish to force those feelings on you. I do not want you to feel responsible for that.” _

_ “I-I wouldn’t-”  _

_ Tooru stops mid-sentence because there’s no point in denying it. He feels the longing, tearing guilt every time he has to get up from that bed to make his way to the airport. He feels like shit on those mornings, abandoning the man he loves to pursue his dream.  _

_ He shuts his mouth, his face darkening and his fists clenching, his stare fixed on the wooden floor of their bedroom. He thinks of how fucking stupid he is, asking once again Ushijima to make up for his insecurities. He wonders why Ushijima hasn’t left him yet, for someone with more confidence, more gentleness, less selfishness, less pride. _

_ He feels Ushijima stepping in his personal space, Ushijima confidently grabbing his wrists with his strong, calloused hands that hit balls with such tremendous force, yet treat him with such tenderness.  _

_ “I did not want to bother you with my feelings, Tooru. I miss you terribly, but I am proud of what you are accomplishing.” Ushijima’s hold isn’t firm, yet it still prevents Tooru to fall. “I do not mind waiting for your return. I love seeing you coming back to me.” _

_ I love seeing you coming back to me. _

It’s silly, thinks Oikawa while fumbling in his pockets to reach for the key of their apartment. How could someone possibly love waiting for so long? Human beings are meant to be impatient and have short-term perspectives. Someone as understanding as Ushijima shouldn’t exist in this selfish, self-centered world.

Oikawa doesn’t much doubt Ushijima as he doubts himself. 

He knows Ushijima loves him. He knows Ushijima could follow him to South America if Oikawa asked. He knows Ushijima would kill for Oikawa’s sole happiness.

One time soon after their dispute about the text thing, Oikawa searched for underwear in Ushijima’s drawers while the latter had gone out for a run, and found a little box with a ring inside. He’s cried for hours afterward.

Ushijima still hasn’t asked, but it’s because he’s certainly stressing about what would be the perfect place, the perfect time and the perfect way to ask. Oikawa just knows it, and he thinks it’s silly and adorable, so he doesn’t say anything. It’s even sillier as he knows that Ushijima knows Oikawa would immediately say “yes”, even if he were to ask him in a dumpster in the middle of nowhere while wearing his horrible sports clothes. 

But Ushijima thinks Oikawa deserves nothing less than perfection, so he doesn’t intend to settle for less than that.

So yeah, it’s not about Ushijima loving him. But it’s neither about Oikawa loving Ushijima.

He’s never loved someone as much as he loves Wakatoshi, he thinks as his chest warms up when he enters their apartment. It’s past two in the morning, but the light of their living room is still on. 

Tooru loves Wakatoshi,  _ his _ Wakatoshi. He loves his seriousness and his inability to understand most of the jokes, while still trying to state some with his stern face and his flat tone. He loves his gentleness, in the way he carefully touches and unravels each part of Oikawa’s body, while still being able to manhandle him and act rough when they both feel like it. 

He loves his tolerance, he loves that Wakatoshi never asks him to relax when he gets worked up, while still managing to calm him down by being composed, rational and reassuring. He loves that Wakatoshi never discards his worries as silly, even when they are.

But it’d be selfish to describe how Oikawa loves Ushijima just around him when he loves him in general.

Oikawa loves to see Ushijima interact with the Schweiden Alders. That’s mainly why he won’t ask Ushijima to move in South America with him, the strong connections and care he has for his teammates. When they gather at the izayaka after a match and he starts unraveling the mysteries of physics with Tobio, or talking tactics with his captain. Ushijima cares for his teammates and he shows it in his own dorkish way.

Oikawa loves to see Ushijima interact with kids. He signs the most beautiful autographs for them and shakes their little hands with care. When they go on a walk in the neighborhood, enjoying the presence of each other on their rest day as they casually interlace their fingers, he always stops at the park where some children are playing with a volleyball to join them for a few minutes. He shows them how to properly receive and toss and Oikawa’s heart vibrates at the sight. 

Ushijima is good with kids, as he is good with everyone. 

He’s still too blunt, still too long-faced, still too clumsy in his relationships, but he has a good heart and the earnest wish to do his best, for him and others. It makes Oikawa angry beyond words when people think of Wakatoshi as careless or emotionless, just because he doesn’t smile or voices his concerns in a whiney, detestable voice. 

Just because he doesn’t act all fake and doesn’t pretend, just as Oikawa does. 

It’s definitely not about the love they have for each other, wonders Oikawa as he walks through their small corridor before coming into their living room. Ushijima is sitting on the couch, wearing boxers and a large shirt, a book between his hands and a bottle of water next to him.

He has his head lifted from the book, staring at Tooru as soon as the latter enters the space. A ghost of a smile appears on his lips as his eyes imperceptibly crease, and Tooru’s heart flutters at the sight. 

“Welcome back Tooru.”

Tooru exhales exhaustion, adoration, and relief.

“I’m home, Wakatoshi.”

It’s not about love, but it’s about being worthy of it. And Oikawa doesn’t feel worthy of the love Ushijima bears towards him. 

“Shouldn’t you be in bed already?” Oikawa drops his bag in a corner and moves towards Ushijima. “You have your match against the Black Jackals tomorrow.”

Oikawa reaches out to gently stroke Ushijima’s cheek with the palm of his hand. The wing spiker leans to the touch, closing his eyes for a moment and gently humming.

“I like seeing you coming back home.” Oikawa’s heart paces faster, his bottom lips slightly trembling. “And you returned just to watch me play. You must be exhausted.”

Oikawa shrugs. He did take the earliest plane possible after his own match so he could attend Wakatoshi’s one, running like a mad man through Buenos Aires and not getting any rest, but he doesn’t mind.

He wanted to head  _ home _ so badly.

“ ‘Couldn’t wait to see you crush shrimp-chan I guess.” 

Oikawa takes the book out of Wakatoshi’s hands and nonchalantly sits on his lap, his head coming to lean against the wing spiker’s chest. He senses Wakatoshi’s small sigh of disapproval, but two strong arms envelop his body. 

He feels warmer between Wakatoshi’s arms than under the plain sun of South America in summer.

“Tooru, we should head to bed.” He says as one of his hands comes to stroke Oikawa’s brown locks, the other one only tightening the embrace. 

Oikawa hums, eyes closed and a fond smile on his lips.

“Five minutes, ‘Toshi… Did your biceps grow even larger again?” One of his hands comes to squish Ushijima’s arm holding him. He lovingly strokes his cheek against Ushijima’s torso. “Damn, I miss those muscles... Nothing feels more like home than that…”

He hears a rumbling sound starting in Ushijima’s chest and coming to die in his throat, and that’s the closest of a laughter he can get. He did miss that also. Terribly.

“I missed you too, Tooru.” Wakatoshi’s face leans a little to peck a gentle kiss at Tooru’s forehead. “You did a great game. The last toss was unexpected but perfectly set.”

Of course, Wakatoshi had to watch his game in Argentine, even if it was broadcasted during night time in Japan. He had to see it, as he doesn’t want to miss any of Tooru’s tosses.

It’s hard to feel worthy of Wakatoshi’s love when you don’t feel worthy of anything to begin with.

Oikawa doesn’t talk about it to anyone but he knows the answer would be that it’s not about worth but about trust. And, well, he trusts Wakatoshi. Most of the time. When it doesn’t concern clothes -Wakatoshi doesn’t have any fashion sense, it’s a tragedy- or matching colors -thankfully Wakatoshi always asks him, otherwise their bedroom would be painted in blue and orange for all he knows-.

But it’s not about Wakatoshi. It’s about Oikawa’s internal conflicts, about longing fears and the absence of self-confidence. It’s about the daily struggle of raising from his bed and making it to the court, of believing he’s capable of that. It’s about trusting his improvements, both as a player and a person.

He can still recall, when he learned that Wakatoshi was to play with Kageyama. All his crippling anxiety and tremendous doubt taking the ugly shape of blatant jealousy and resentment being spat directly at Ushijima’s face.

_ “Are you going to leave me for Tobio-chan?? Heh, it’s finally happening I guess.” _

_ They’ve been celebrating Ushijima’s admission to the Schweiden Alders the night before. Oikawa was so delighted for him, already thinking about what present he should gift him with.  _

_ “Tooru, please, do not say that.” _

_ “Well, he’s a better setter than I’m, so why no a better lover too?!” _

_ It’s silly and childish because Oikawa is the one who decided to toss for another team in another country. But it makes him sick to the core, knowing that Tobio is coming for his Wakatoshi. _

_ “Nobody says he is better than you.” _

_ “But everybody thinks so !! And you’ll think the fucking same in less than a month, and you’ll realize how stupid and thoughtless it was to be with me in the first place!” _

_ “Tooru, why- is it what this is about?”  _

_ Ushijima furrows his eyebrows, carefully studying his boyfriend. _

_ Tooru is panting, frustration and agony building in his stomach, the firm knot on his throat. He looks at Wakatoshi with panic. Is it finally this time? Did he finally manage to ruin it? To ruin the best thing he’s ever had? _

_ “I am not going to leave you for Kageyama,” Ushijima speaks after a moment, careful and stern. “And I will never think of him as better than you.” _

_ Oikawa lets a humorless chuckle out of his tight throat. _

_ “That’s just because you haven’t played with him yet. You’ll see, he does his little mind game with every spiker he gets between his fingers…” _

_ “...What would you want me to do, then?” Ushijima’s face has darkened a bit, his look sterner than usual. “Do you wish me to search for another team?” _

_ Oikawa blinks his eyes, opening his mouth only to fall silent. He knows how much effort Ushijima has put until now to play for a first division team. He witnessed it for his own eyes. Who is he to dare ask him to back off now that he’s finally reached his dream? _

_ “N-No, of course not!” Oikawa’s answer is firm, and he can see Ushijima’s form ease a little. “I-I just…” He feels at a loss of words suddenly, his anger dissipating to let place to shame and resentment against himself. He lowers his head in defeat, trembling.  _ **_Please, don’t leave me_ ** _ , that what he wants to say. It would sound desperate and ugly, but it’s the truth. _

_ “It will be alright, Tooru.” _

_ The concern doesn’t go away, but Ushijima’s steady voice manages to calm him down. Now he just wishes he had never started the fight to begin with. Ushijima doesn’t deserve that. He deserves someone that supports him, that celebrates with him, that goes along with his choices. _

_ He doesn’t deserve the selfish self-obsessed unconfident prick Oikawa is. _

When Oikawa wakes up, he’s lying in a bed, _ their  _ bed, the bedsheets covering his body. He’s in underwear and certainly wearing one of Wakatoshi’s large tee-shirts considering the agreeable smell, his favorite one for sure.

There’s a firm hold on his waist, and when he slightly shifts his head to look at the sleeping form next to him, he finds a peaceful Ushijima whose head lays on Oikawa’s shoulder. Oikawa holds back a fond chuckle, thinking about it’s supposed to be the opposite given their respective heights.

His thoughts linger on how he certainly fell asleep sitting against Ushijima’s chest earlier and how his lover carefully carried him to the bedroom and took off his clothes. After all these years, Oikawa is still amazed by Ushijima’s raw strength and how he can manhandle the setter as if the latter was weighing as much as a teenage girl.

He carefully brushes Ushijima’s short bangs from his forehead, smiling fondly at the picture.

Maybe he doesn’t have to be worthy of Ushijima’s love, he allows himself to think for a moment where gloomy thoughts don’t cloud his tired mind. Or maybe he already is, but he can’t see it clearly. Shouldn’t it be fine, as long as Ushijima deems him worthy?

He closes his eyes again, drifting to sleep where dreamless rest awaits him, his hand resting at the crook of Ushijima’s neck, a tired but content smile on his lips.

The heater is on, tasteless food is in the fridge, and Wakatoshi’s steady sleeping form lays next to him.

They say home is the place where your heart is.

Then Tooru is  _ home _ .

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed it because more is coming!
> 
> I feel like starting a series of post time-skip ushioi fics with the hc i laid in this first fic sooo 
> 
> kudos and comments are greatly appreciated <3 
> 
> also my twitter is @Fate_Evance if u wanna see me cry abt fics and hq!!


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